FOODCOURT TWENTYTEN FEB 15

Greetings All,

DJ FOODCOURT is spinning records at the Casanova Lounge on Monday, February 15th, beginning at 9pm. Joining him will be DJ DrunkStupidBaby and we will be celebrating our beautiful friend Mary Goree from The Great American Music Hall's birthday!
But first, some sad news. As many of you know, my helper monkey MC Sparkles was put down this week after failing to fulfill his work duties and a lengthy investigation into his malfeazance. It's been a very rough week for me, but goddamn, that fucker had it coming.

When I first bought him on a record buying spree in Jakarta, Indonesia, on the "Hello Pangea!" tour, he was a loveble miscreant who had lazy milk colored eyes and a filthy full coat of dust mites and poo. It was love at first bite.

I will never forget how MC Sparkles would scream and pee and scream some more, and then attack my face and genitals, then drink his own pee and then attack me with his sharp and highly difficult to cut claws. He was adorable. At first I could see no apparent skills, until I got him home and he took straight to my computer and showed my how to get rid of that annoying paper clip that pops up when writing a letter in Word. I then realized he could communicate in sign language and he would share some of the most hysterical and olde timey racist ideas with me that would have us laughing for hours, even when he wasn't peeing, shitting or biting.

Things got bad then things got worse a this week when he was drying me off after my afternoon veal-milk bath, and he mistakenly grabbed a hand towel instead of my 9'x12' chinchilla and fox beach towell that was given to me by a Mister Lil Wayne. When he got to my shredded genitalia, the towel was sucked up my pee hole like Snuffelupagus at a spring break coke party. I could tell he was high, so I went to my medicine chest and checked to see what was missing. After a four day inventory, that Mr. Sparkles helped catalog, I realized that he had been stealing my Vicodin. I confronted him, but he vehemently signed that he did not steal from "papa", so I sent him to bed with only a bag of fingernails and carpet scraps. The next day he nuzzled and bit me as if nothing was wrong, and I in my percocet and cough medicine haze, forgave him.

That was until I went into my office and found evidence that his poo covered hands had been all over my keyboard. I noticed my shit covered Visa, so I checked I to see what sites he had been on and eBay popped up first. I noticed that he had made two purchases: A tiny bunkbed (I assume for him and the remains of his conjoined twin Sandy) and a copy of that Janes Addiction movie "Gift". I could forgive the bunkbed, but have you ever seen that fucking movie? Christ it was fucking like a bad acid dream with people you wouldn't eat acid with in the first place. Next I scrolled down to something called the Yelle Fund which turns out is Wyclef Jeans charity for Haiti. Well this did it! Everyone KNOWS that charity is just a front for his own investments and Laurynn Hills monumental crack shipments so I confronted him, and this time he admitted it. Well enough was enough!

He knew that his treason was punishable by death and all the sign language in the world wasn't going to help save him. So I put on the "Beach House" record since he listened to that ad nauseum, marched him over to the office floor, placed him face down on the floor, gingerly stepped on the back of his head, and gently ripped his tail off. His muffled cries were no match for the full diaper I had shoved in his mouth and I soon had his hands tied with his own tail. He signed something about "too many drugs" but there are never too many drugs. I then kissed him one last time on the forehead, told him he broke my heart, then tenderly placed a pile of phonebooks on his head until I heard a pop and the smell of burnt carpet burst from his anus.
MC Sparkles would have been four today. RIP jerk.
　
Speaking of worthless helper monkeys, DJ FOODCOURT TWENTYTEN will be spinning with DJ DrunkStupidBaby in celebration of Mary G's birthday. Please come out and celebrate our wonderful friends special day and bask in her greatness. She is an SF institution so treat her with respect!

Lets Fucking Do This!

DJFCTT

2/2/10

Greetings Friends,

DJ FOODCOURT TWENTYTEN will be spinning records this coming Thursday, February 4th, at the Make Out Room in San Francisco's historic mission district. The music starts at 9pm, but doesn't stop until long after you are layng in bed thinking about what another amazing set you have witnessed and feeling like your ears have just been fingerbanged by sexy ET.

The music, like this great country of ours, is free. Get there early because it is certain to sell out.

Also there might be grilled cheese courtesy of George Foreman, but I might be loaded. so there might not.

FOODCOURT TWENTYTEN has just returned from a worldwide tour that took him to the far corners of the earth (Its Motherfuckin' Pangea Tour 2010!) and his koala bear and ivory record bag is filled to the brim with new and exciting finds guaranteed to give you all a well deserved reach around while peeling your panties off and sonically flirting with your taint. DJFCTT will be performing his legendary "Tribute To The Grammy's" set where he throws shit at the audience and expects you to like it. Its part performance art, and part in your face social commentary. There will also be a twenty minute moment of silence as we pay tribute to the people of Haiti and the second catastrophe that has hit that country in less than a month in the form of the devestating remake of "We are The World"

Joining DJ FCTT is DJ Chris O and DJ Clark Moshpit. We don't know anything about these guys except that they are from Oakland, so we are assuming they are black. Their bios, taken from DJ Database (www.djdatabase/bargainbindjs/meganslaw/.com) are listed below. Far below.


Hope to see you all Thursday at 9pm. Lets have a party!

PS: DJFCTT will also be MC'ing at the One Night Stand at Slims at 8pm on Saturday, and spinning during the Stupor Bowl party at the Bottom of the Hill on Sunday beginning at 1pm!

xo

DJ FOODCOURT TWENTYTEN

(2/2/10 poster)

It should say "February" but "January" is more punk rock.


DJ Chris O: Chris Owen es el fundador de Gancho o Registros de Ladrón. El es un padre amoroso, y un narc posible. El se parece a un Canguro fresco de Capitán, pero a eso sólo tan él le puede ofrecer amistad a y tomar su hierba. El es un graduado de Dama de Notre y fue una vez el presidente del club de admiradores de Smiths. Sus pelotas están en el préstamo por la noche, para él da la luz a un bebé debido cualquier día.

DJ CLARK MOSHPIT: Clark Mosher drives the van pictured above. He says the rape kit was all inclusive with the purchasing price. Clark and Chris O used to live together until an argument over Doug Sahm led to Chris being forced to move while Clark was 11 months pregnant. Clark has a 32 year old son named Mitch who smells like spoiled milk and violence. Clark spent 15 years as an understudy for Rum Tum Tugger in the Castro Gay Mens Chorus production of "AnalCats". His favorite guitarist is Gary Moore and his favorite movie is "Heartbeeps". He has seen Y&T over 150 times. He is hoping to date a hot "blue-african-american" chick like in Avatar.

12/16/09

Seasoned Greetings,


DJ FOOODCOURT will be spinning records on Monday, December 21st (4 days before Christmas, 6 days before Kwanzaa and already balls deep into Hanukkah), at the Casnova Lounge beginning at 9pm.

Joining him will be international spinning sensation DJ A.M.GAGA fresh off his record setting performance at the KY Jelly shareholders meeting in Bakersfield, CA. Guinness Records were there to document this historical event and now A.M.GAGA is in the books for playing the Longest Set Where Nobody Gave A Shit.

Since the holidays are often a soul crushing time where we forget about love and true compassion for each other and instead focus only on the shallow commercialism of Santa days, this set will be heavy on the jams that make us realize the reason for the season: Emo, Death Metal, Christian Sing Alongs and Billie Joe Shaver.

There will be a special appearance by Jesus who will be serving his special Jello shots and Dave Kwanzaa who will be giving out Kool menthols and King Cobras. Since Jews are like Unicorns and only exist in Xanadu, we won't hold our breath as far as one making an appearance. Until I see one, they don't exist.

There will also be a photographer on hand to take pictures of the kids with SantaBunny (please make sure they at least have a fake ID).


SantaBunny





















At midnight we will have an hours silence for the late, great Oral Roberts who was recently murdered while attending a T-Pain concert, and a toast to the victims of Banana Splits flight 69 that crashed into Mt. Tam exactly one year ago to the day that took the lives of Fleegle, Bingo, Drooper and Snarky (who ironically did not die in the crash, but instead four days later after stumbling onto Sammy Hagars property and hearing his coked up stories about his new supergroup Chickenfoot).

Tis the season and lets fucking do this. I realize there are many wonderful things happening this night and this week (Parkers Holiday Craptacular at the Make Out Room on Tuesday!: www.makeoutroom.com) but this is clearly the greatest night ever, at the start of the laziest week of the year, and even my helper monkey doesn't do shit and works hung over.

This is FOODCOURTS last set of the 00's and it would be wonderful to share Christwanzakkuh with each and every one of one of ye.


Happy Holidays!

DJ FOODCOURT

12/8/09

Greetings All,


DJ FOODCURT will be spinning records at the Make Out Room on Thursday December 9th (from 6-9) in honor of Jill Olsons birthday. Also joining Jill will be two of her co-workers, Jay Denny and Page Kishiyama celebrating their special day as well. I have been instructed to play musical styles that are (for the most part), un-FOODCOURT-like, but I am more then ready to deliver a sweltering, kick ass set that will further elevate my stature as one of the greatest DJ's to ever play what was ordered of them, so it should prove to be both a laugh AND dance riot for the ages. There will be Country AND Western, Hippity Hop, Electronic, Garage, Soul, Soul Sucking Garage, Indie Rock, Classic Rock, Olde Timey Rock and Nadias Theme.

The Make Out Room features Happy Hour specials until 10pm and there is no excuse for not getting out early and warming your bones with liquid libations, saving on your PG&E bill, not having to see your creepy roommate in their ironic Snuggie, not using your 6 cats as a depressing blanket, not watching bullshit Wednesday television which as far as I can tell consists of Ghost Hunters and those fucking guys couldn't catch a ghost if it was haunting their balls, getting off of Facebook for 3 hours and not playing your retraded Mafia Wars or tending a virtual farm that will never love you, stimulating the economy instead of your naughty bits.

Ideally you shall all be rocking to the warmy goodness of DJ FOODCOURT as he heats the Make Out Room to BROIL and we celebrate the birthdays of three wonderful people who I have not met but yet have agreed to pay me in full and have sworn to not approach the DJ area or make eye contact with me during the 3 hour performance. They are advertisng people so you know they will be hot, classy, energetic and manipulative.

Come straight from work. Dress like your going to court.

Lets fucking do this.

Sincerely,

DJ FOODCOURT

12/3/09

Dear Friends,

I will be receiving a "Lifetime Achievement Award" for excellence for just about everything from Kevin Arnold and his company IODA at midnight on December 3rd, and will be playing a blistering one and a half hour set to commerate my greatness. IODA (Insane Order Of Depressed Aristocrats) has only given this award to one other DJ (DJ AM and I hear GREAT things about him!), so I would love it if you could all be there to share in this once in a lifetime event and soak in my juices.

The party is private until 11:30. Code word at door: Let me the fuck in to see FOODCOURT.

Sincerely,

DJ FOODCOURT

11/12/09

Greetings from DJ FOODCOURT,

First of all, thanks for all of the well wishes while I have been fighting my unbelievable sickness. For those of you who didnt send well wishes, don't worry about it, I'm sure I will be sick again shortly and you will have another chance. As a special selfless gift I would love to thank you all personally and that is why I will be having a reception at the Casanova Lounge on Monday, November 16th at 9pm, in honor of YOU, the real heroes. I am planning on clipping my toenails and ridding myself of my kleenex box slippers and I will be giving you all wonderful gifts, sharing amazing stories about my night sweats and coughing jags, and playing somewhat good records from my extensive vinyl collection of non rarities.

I have received a ton of fan mail, so lets get to it. Ginobli from Ibiza writes: Dear DJ FOODCOURT, I recently read in the London Herald that you had been sick. Is this something that you contracted during your record setting performance with DJ AM at the opening of the Dave and Busters at the Dubai Mall of America? Also, have you ever tea bagged James Blundt during the course of one of your legendary mash ups at Blundts SuperVirginStore?

Hey Ginobli. Great question. First off, I want to give a shout out to my boy DJ AM who left this Big Blue Marble way before last call. I would like to think he is in Heaven, pondin Red Bulls and tappin ass, but I am pretty sure that Jews arent allowed in Heaven because of the whole money-tightness-cant be trusted thingy. Either way, wherever he is, I know he is high as fuck and laying down some righteous DMB or BEP's. Next thing: No comment about Blundt you knucklehead! However, I will say that the taint matches the drapes, ifyaknowwhatimean...Ginobli, I did not contract my sickness thru my epic set at DMOA. I believe it was contracted while vacationing in Darfur. I had gone there on a humanitarian aid mission but the weather was so fucking nice I figured, why not get my tan on and chillax a bit? These people seem to have plenty of food because their bellys stick out like they have all just eaten an Olive Garden never fucking ending bottomless soup and salad bowl so what the hell is everyone so worried about? So I headed straight to the pool, ordered up some boat drinks, set my iPod on "stun "and kicked the fuck back. I noticed my waiter had what could only be referred to as a "halo of flies" and I believe that is how I got sick. I mean Christ bro, you're black. Its easy enough to see them on your skin and to wipe them off. Creeps me out just thinking about it.

Anyway, after attending the VMA's in NYC, I coughed up something that looked like one of the characters from the Mucinex commercials, although it did look slightly asian (thats not racist, that is stereotyping. HUGE diff.) At the time I thought I had coughed up a magic baby because you could see that it was an intelligent life form and it had the speed of a mexican leaving a paternity hearing. Shortly after leaving my body it ran across the floor of my hotel, grabbed my car keys, shouted something phlegmy at me, and stole my car. It later called me from Mary Kate and Ashleys hotel room high as a bat kite and listening to fucking Grizzly Bear and crying. I never heard from it again. Since then I have been on an antibiotic that they only administer to astronauts called Zithromax. Its like Extenze for sick astronauts with huge cocks. I can now hear the dead and the thoughts of insects (which by the way, all incredibly boring) and can now bench press a thousand pounds. To answer your question, I'm feeling much better Ginobli. Thank you for asking.

Thats all the time I have for today. I need to save my strength for this coming weeks most epic of sets. I hope to see you all Monday. And as an added bonus, the first 10 people who show up with the DJ FOODCOURT flier (just cut below the dotted line) will get a free drink and a croupy cough from yours truly.

Remember that DJ FOODCOURT loves all people yet reserves the right to pass judgement at any given time.

See you all Monday!

DJ FOODCOURT

10/1/09

Greetings All,

DJ FOODCOURT is playing records with DJ Chuffington (Kelley Stoltz, Sub Poprecords recording artist) and DJ Spiral Stairs (supposedly in a new band called Pavement on a label called Matador), this Thursday, Rocktober 1st at the Make Out Room. Festivities begin at 9pm and it is free with complimentary grilled cheese from George Foremans grill. There will also be surprise guests and shit.

We will be playing tons of good rock and -Alright I gotta get something off of my chest first. While recently shopping for FOODCOURT supplies at my local Smart and Final (never really understood the marketing behind this discount supermarket. Are you “smart” because you shop there? Will this be your “final” meal? I don't get it. however I do know this: Its filled with fucktards), I experienced a life changing experience. Heres what happened:

As I was coming out of the bread aisle and into the candy/sweets section I looked up at the end of the aisle and I spotted two small latino children sitting on the floor, their hands clearly in an open jar of something. As I approached with caution (never take chances with strangers in a Smart and Final) and a small amount of trail mix in my hand (in case they weren't docile), I realized that the jar they had assaulted was filled with pickled pigs feet. Thats right. They were sitting in the middle of the aisle dipping their filthy little hands into the makes-no-sense delicacy of pickled pigs feet. Not to mention a Costco sized jar of 'em at that. (Note: Before you accuse me of racist sentiments, I used the word “filthy” because they literally were covered head to toe in dirt, not because they come from a filthy place where they don't speak english or respect our forced policies. So there.)

Now, this got me thinking. Is this what America has come to that our candy section is now cross pollinating with the International foods section? There is nothing more American then the candy aisle, and I could really give a fuck about the health care debate when we are losing the war in our supermarkets. I really don't need to be high and jonesing for a Starbursts, but instead reach for Cat Butthole or DogKnots (the pre-packaged dog testicles that are quite popular in Korea), because that is their idea of candy. This is an issue that there is no debating.

The candy aisle is sacred ground. The candy section is where you were awarded a treat for being good and sitting in the cart and not touching every fucking thing that came your way while shopping with your mom or dad. It was reward for a job well done. The candy section was filled with brightly colored presents that captivated the imagination and sent you into a sugary nirvana. The candy section is NOT supposed to feature things that have the color of a science experiment and smell of death. And now thanks to Smart and Final that section brings confusion and terror for old and young alike.There is something inherently evil and wrong about this, and a large piece of my childhood died that day in that aisle, crushed and swallowed in their disgusting pig soaked hands. As I turned to look back at the aisle after paying for my supplies, I noticed a lone indian with a single tear streaming down his cheek. He understood the America we live in today....
DJ FOODCOURT with Kelley Stoltz, Spiral Stairs and Surprise MUCH Older Guest. Thursday October 1st 9pm The Make Out Room San Francisco.
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I've recently hired a design firm out of the Castro to make me some FOODCOURT flyers. Here is a small sample of what they came up with...

Flyer #1: I asked that they convey the brotherhood of three friends spinning records together:


















I have some problems with the overall concept...Although Spirals likeness is remarkable.

Flyer2: I wanted them to convey three distinct individuals "passionate about their musical styles":


















They are getting warmer...

Flyer3: In terms of musical knowledge, I asked for something that showed my stature in comparison to those of my peers, and my love for Diane Arbus:























Getting closer...

Flyer4: I asked for something that was "retarded" which is a street term for "crazy" or "cool":
















I take offense at the term "Octarded", but I think they nailed it.

Love, DJ FOODCOURT. Pass it on.