FOODCOURT TWENTYTEN FEB 15

Greetings All,

DJ FOODCOURT is spinning records at the Casanova Lounge on Monday, February 15th, beginning at 9pm. Joining him will be DJ DrunkStupidBaby and we will be celebrating our beautiful friend Mary Goree from The Great American Music Hall's birthday!
But first, some sad news. As many of you know, my helper monkey MC Sparkles was put down this week after failing to fulfill his work duties and a lengthy investigation into his malfeazance. It's been a very rough week for me, but goddamn, that fucker had it coming.

When I first bought him on a record buying spree in Jakarta, Indonesia, on the "Hello Pangea!" tour, he was a loveble miscreant who had lazy milk colored eyes and a filthy full coat of dust mites and poo. It was love at first bite.

I will never forget how MC Sparkles would scream and pee and scream some more, and then attack my face and genitals, then drink his own pee and then attack me with his sharp and highly difficult to cut claws. He was adorable. At first I could see no apparent skills, until I got him home and he took straight to my computer and showed my how to get rid of that annoying paper clip that pops up when writing a letter in Word. I then realized he could communicate in sign language and he would share some of the most hysterical and olde timey racist ideas with me that would have us laughing for hours, even when he wasn't peeing, shitting or biting.

Things got bad then things got worse a this week when he was drying me off after my afternoon veal-milk bath, and he mistakenly grabbed a hand towel instead of my 9'x12' chinchilla and fox beach towell that was given to me by a Mister Lil Wayne. When he got to my shredded genitalia, the towel was sucked up my pee hole like Snuffelupagus at a spring break coke party. I could tell he was high, so I went to my medicine chest and checked to see what was missing. After a four day inventory, that Mr. Sparkles helped catalog, I realized that he had been stealing my Vicodin. I confronted him, but he vehemently signed that he did not steal from "papa", so I sent him to bed with only a bag of fingernails and carpet scraps. The next day he nuzzled and bit me as if nothing was wrong, and I in my percocet and cough medicine haze, forgave him.

That was until I went into my office and found evidence that his poo covered hands had been all over my keyboard. I noticed my shit covered Visa, so I checked I to see what sites he had been on and eBay popped up first. I noticed that he had made two purchases: A tiny bunkbed (I assume for him and the remains of his conjoined twin Sandy) and a copy of that Janes Addiction movie "Gift". I could forgive the bunkbed, but have you ever seen that fucking movie? Christ it was fucking like a bad acid dream with people you wouldn't eat acid with in the first place. Next I scrolled down to something called the Yelle Fund which turns out is Wyclef Jeans charity for Haiti. Well this did it! Everyone KNOWS that charity is just a front for his own investments and Laurynn Hills monumental crack shipments so I confronted him, and this time he admitted it. Well enough was enough!

He knew that his treason was punishable by death and all the sign language in the world wasn't going to help save him. So I put on the "Beach House" record since he listened to that ad nauseum, marched him over to the office floor, placed him face down on the floor, gingerly stepped on the back of his head, and gently ripped his tail off. His muffled cries were no match for the full diaper I had shoved in his mouth and I soon had his hands tied with his own tail. He signed something about "too many drugs" but there are never too many drugs. I then kissed him one last time on the forehead, told him he broke my heart, then tenderly placed a pile of phonebooks on his head until I heard a pop and the smell of burnt carpet burst from his anus.
MC Sparkles would have been four today. RIP jerk.
　
Speaking of worthless helper monkeys, DJ FOODCOURT TWENTYTEN will be spinning with DJ DrunkStupidBaby in celebration of Mary G's birthday. Please come out and celebrate our wonderful friends special day and bask in her greatness. She is an SF institution so treat her with respect!

Lets Fucking Do This!

DJFCTT